I’m supposed to be studying, I should be studying, I should be further along in the book, I should be registering for my exam by now, I should…
But, I’m struggling. I’m struggling with the words, “if you can do it, it must not be very hard.” So it’s either going to be hard and I won’t pass and I don’t want to spend $500 to find out that I’m stupid, or it’s going to be “easy” because I pass it and I’ve wasted $500 to get a meaningless certification, further proof of how stupid I am. The further I get in the book, the more tests I pass without struggling to answer, the more stupid I feel. So I’m stalled.
I don’t know how to get past this block, or how to fix this accomplishment issue. And I don’t know why anyone should ever be given that message about their accomplishments. Was it to stall me out later in life? Was it to undermine my self-confidence and tear me down? Were they just thoughtless words from a thoughtless man?
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”
Instead of studying, I find myself trying to understand my issue, and getting lost in the works of Brene Brown. And I question whether I’m actually absorbing those ideas, or using them as a balm for old wounds and a distraction from my growing issue. I’m running out of time to make this happen. I’m running out of airstrip and I’m hurtling toward disaster, and my wheels are still firmly planted on the ground. I’ve turned to writing. The thing I’m usually procrastinating because that usually scares me more than anything else because it is currently less frightening than finishing the Comp TIA A+ book and taking the test. At least if I fail here, it feels like no one can see me.