Taking Control: Suicide of a Friend

Monday seemed like it was set to be a rather uneventful day. True, I had to go to the Post Office and mail some things (a rare occurrence), but other than that, just do some studying, clean the house, and otherwise have a forgettable day. And then, a Facebook post about the suicide of a mutual friend. “What?!”

Part of me wants to be upset, rage at the world about “how does this happen,” to be furious that there wasn’t more I could offer him, that I didn’t have the insight to offer, that the world couldn’t have been a better place for him. The situation of his life had become quite dire in the last year in a half and left him feeling like a square peg struggling to survive in a world full of round holes. A kind and beautiful soul, liked and loved, but feeling like a houseguest that had overstayed his welcome. There didn’t seem to be a way forward, financially tapped out, that wonderful soul trapped in a body that was failing, in a world that felt rejecting.

And I can’t say that I don’t understand it. I can’t say that I can’t see where he was coming from, that I didn’t see him painted into a corner with no way out. I don’t think anyone wanted to see it, that we were all hoping for a tomorrow that will never come. A day in which his problems would lessen, a job offer would arrive, his health would improve. A day in which the storm would finally pass and he would find himself standing in the sun. Continue reading “Taking Control: Suicide of a Friend”

Spot on the Wall

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For the entire 20th century, from 1900 to 1999, there were 270 school shootings, 254 people were killed, 406 were injured. Of those 270 shootings, 82 took place from 1987 when I started Kindergarten, until 2000 when I graduated High School, most of the deaths and injuries occurring during the 1980s and 1990s.

There have currently been 207 school shootings since I graduated High School, 227 killed, 278 injured, at last count. That count is only through the end of 2017.

One of those school shootings, in 1993, took place in my high school, just a few years before I started there. Asked about the “spot on the wall” outside his classroom, with a cold detachment, our teacher told us the story of what happened. One shot was fired into a wall to prove a gun was loaded. A student, with a sawed-off shotgun and a pistol, took hostages in a classroom. No one dead, no one injured. Just a painted over spot on a cinderblock wall. Continue reading “Spot on the Wall”

My Struggle to Get My Comp TIA A+

I’m supposed to be studying, I should be studying, I should be further along in the book, I should be registering for my exam by now, I should…

But, I’m struggling. I’m struggling with the words, “if you can do it, it must not be very hard.” So it’s either going to be hard and I won’t pass and I don’t want to spend $500 to find out that I’m stupid, or it’s going to be “easy” because I pass it and I’ve wasted $500 to get a meaningless certification, further proof of how stupid I am. The further I get in the book, the more tests I pass without struggling to answer, the more stupid I feel. So I’m stalled.

I don’t know how to get past this block, or how to fix this accomplishment issue. And I don’t know why anyone should ever be given that message about their accomplishments. Was it to stall me out later in life? Was it to undermine my self-confidence and tear me down? Were they just thoughtless words from a thoughtless man?

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”

Instead of studying, I find myself trying to understand my issue, and getting lost in the works of Brene Brown. And I question whether I’m actually absorbing those ideas, or using them as a balm for old wounds and a distraction from my growing issue. I’m running out of time to make this happen. I’m running out of airstrip and I’m hurtling toward disaster, and my wheels are still firmly planted on the ground. I’ve turned to writing. The thing I’m usually procrastinating because that usually scares me more than anything else because it is currently less frightening than finishing the Comp TIA A+ book and taking the test. At least if I fail here, it feels like no one can see me.

Cloudflare & You: A Little Known Website May Have Exposed Your Data

As an IT person, there’s a point when it seems like there isn’t much that can really shake up the industry. And then something comes along that does. From exciting new hardware to frightening new viruses, there does seem to occasionally be that thing. The current thing has been dubbed Cloudbleed, in reference to a memory leak in Cloudflare’s code that hemorrhaged out data.

Who is Cloudflare? What do they do?

Cloudflare is a Content Delivery Network (CDN) service provider.

Cloudflare CDN vs without CDN comparison map showing 31ms vs 9ms averaged page load times for users in various locations in the us.
Cloudflare’s description of how their CDN service works and the improvement it makes in website load times.

CDNs are used to help websites operate globally by replicating a site to servers all over the world. Essentially, you pay a CDN to copy your website so that a user in Dubai has the same experience as users in New York, NY or someone three blocks from your server. One CDN server may encompass multiple sites, and there’s no real division between what sites are contained on that server. They don’t have a “kids site” server, a “porn site” server, “business site” server, “wholesome non-profit” server, etc. all of it is stored together. Continue reading “Cloudflare & You: A Little Known Website May Have Exposed Your Data”

Why the interest in Caregiving?

Caregiving, neither for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach, has been such an enormous part of my life. And I don’t really see a life “after” caregiving. It all started with my mother and a diagnosis of early on-set Alzheimer’s Disease back in the 90’s, and continues today as I work to help my grandmother who is in her 90’s continue to live in her home.

It’s more than an interest, it has become a way of life. And here in West Virginia it is certainly a needed way of life. so much of our elderly community has found themselves alone, forgotten, or just plain out of options. for all of our talk about being a retirement state, there wasn’t much planning put into managing the ongoing lives once the golf, shopping, travel, and dining days were replaced by the darker parts of aging. In a recent conversation with a local elder services director, it was mentioned that our county has a population of almost 15,000 seniors (65+), but they only receive funding to provide services to about 1,000, much less than the demand for their services.

Although many of those 15,000 don’t need help and support, not only can that can easily change, but there are many caregivers struggling to make it through until they, essentially, win the elder services lottery.

Happy New Year!

It’s a rainy New Year’s Day in Princeton, WV, but that doesn’t discourage me. No, 2016―a year best left to the dust bin of history―is finally gone and we hope a bright 2017 awaits us. A year in which we need to find a renewed sense of purpose and opportunity. And those are my wishes for you, that you may find those with abundance this year.